When tiredness and frustration get the better of me...

.... I did what I never thought I'd do: I grabbed my son by the shoulders, shook him a bit and said quietly but fiercely, "Be quiet!!!".

See, I got my daughter down to sleep and was looking forward to spending some time with my son as we cleaned up his toys.  He got all whiny and I was afraid his protestations would wake up his sister.  After the usual requests to whisper and be quieter met with more whining, I got frustrated.  It was coupled with lack of sleep and lack of productivity due to the two kids' lack of sleeping.  Seeing the end of the day coming down, looking forward to just kicking it back, if even for an hour, I let slip the control I've been holding on to for the last 10 hours.

So I shook my son.  Just a bit, but I shook him.  And I saw the stunned look on his face.  I saw the fear of me creeping in his eyes.  And I saw his mouth twist as he said "I want to play with Daddy!  I want to play with Daddy!!" - which was essentially saying, he didn't want to be with me anymore.

That really sucked on all kinds of levels. But I couldn't take time to recover what I lost between us as I had to rush him to our bedroom so his sister wouldn't wake up.  Being in a condo with 2 kids with 2 different bed times is tough!  It was in vain, though, as she awoke and sat up crying pretty hard.

And there went my hour of productivity.  My hour of kicking back?  Well, I didnt' really but I didnt' do anything productive either.  I just vegged.  Emotionally, I've just been worn out today. But I wanted to take some time to share this experience because I'm sure it happens to more parents than not, and it's not something we talk about.  It's not something to be proud of, to lose control, no matter how little and no matter how small the actual action.  I wish so much I could rewrite those 5 seconds instead of having to mend the emotional damage between us.  Call me oversensitive but I know my son, and I know something was lost when I shook him and shushed him.

Le sigh.  Tomorrow is another day.  May it be miles better than this one. =(

How about you?  Have you done anything you wish you could take back? Was there a moment between you and your child that hit you to the core?

For seriously sleep-deprived parents...

... here is a great post by someone on FaceBook (Laura W.) with information on how to get assistance with your baby so you can get more sleep.

We need sleep to function and there's a lot depending on a new mother in the first few days, weeks and months postpartum.  Getting that sleep is always this issue, especially for those who do not have family nearby or friends able to help out.  Depression and anxiety is around the corner for the sleep-deprived but there are programs to help us get us (a bit more) on track.

I've simply cut and pasted this here rather than re-writing everything.  I wish this was more widely available so that I could make use of it myself but I know my situation isn't a bad one - if anything, it's pretty good, I just want more sleep in general!

Please forward this information to anyone you know, particularly those who are pregnant, especially with their first, or have given birth within the last 3 months.  They'll need this program the most!

I just wanted to post and let the ladies know about a program for those who may need it. In York Region, it's called 'Five Days, Five Nights'. I know that Toronto also offers this program as well. If you are suffering from anxiety, depression etc. or if you have previously experienced PPD/PPA/PPOCD, etc., speak to your Dr. or Midwife about this program.

You can stay in the hospital for five days and five nights to be monitored and to have some *sleep*. The studies show that if you are sleep deprived, isolated and without support, the postpartum time can be extremely difficult.  With sleep, going home doesn't seem as daunting and overwhelming - and in those first few days, it is so important for a new mother to be rested and know that she's alright.

Also, if you need it, a nurse with Public Health will follow you, come to your home to check up on you and baby and make sure you're doing ok. They can meet you outside the house and help you with 'getting out' if you need it.

There is also a program through Public Health that allows for a 'grandmother' type person to come and hold the baby and entertain an older sibling if needed so that you can rest, clean, cook etc once a week for up to two hours.

Please, speak to your health care provider if you are feeling anxious, angry, sad, sleepless for 'no apparent reason' etc. A healthy, happy mom makes great mom. It's a hard time and you don't have to be alone. 

In York Region there is a programme called 'Life With a Baby' that organizes get togethers *daily* if you need to get out and see real life people.

Remember, your baby will sleep again... even though you feel like they will never sleep - especially when you need them to. They will stop crying. They will eat. Just think - they won't be this little forever... and the next stage may not be better - just different. You are doing a great job. And if you need any help... please don't be fearful to let someone - anyone - know.

Big hugs to all the Mammas that need it.