Thursday, December 5, 2013

When tiredness and frustration get the better of me...

.... I did what I never thought I'd do: I grabbed my son by the shoulders, shook him a bit and said quietly but fiercely, "Be quiet!!!".

See, I got my daughter down to sleep and was looking forward to spending some time with my son as we cleaned up his toys.  He got all whiny and I was afraid his protestations would wake up his sister.  After the usual requests to whisper and be quieter met with more whining, I got frustrated.  It was coupled with lack of sleep and lack of productivity due to the two kids' lack of sleeping.  Seeing the end of the day coming down, looking forward to just kicking it back, if even for an hour, I let slip the control I've been holding on to for the last 10 hours.

So I shook my son.  Just a bit, but I shook him.  And I saw the stunned look on his face.  I saw the fear of me creeping in his eyes.  And I saw his mouth twist as he said "I want to play with Daddy!  I want to play with Daddy!!" - which was essentially saying, he didn't want to be with me anymore.

That really sucked on all kinds of levels. But I couldn't take time to recover what I lost between us as I had to rush him to our bedroom so his sister wouldn't wake up.  Being in a condo with 2 kids with 2 different bed times is tough!  It was in vain, though, as she awoke and sat up crying pretty hard.

And there went my hour of productivity.  My hour of kicking back?  Well, I didnt' really but I didnt' do anything productive either.  I just vegged.  Emotionally, I've just been worn out today. But I wanted to take some time to share this experience because I'm sure it happens to more parents than not, and it's not something we talk about.  It's not something to be proud of, to lose control, no matter how little and no matter how small the actual action.  I wish so much I could rewrite those 5 seconds instead of having to mend the emotional damage between us.  Call me oversensitive but I know my son, and I know something was lost when I shook him and shushed him.

Le sigh.  Tomorrow is another day.  May it be miles better than this one. =(

How about you?  Have you done anything you wish you could take back? Was there a moment between you and your child that hit you to the core?

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