I thought I was just a procrastinator. I can usually pull off things at the last minute and still do a satisfactory job. Or, I stay up late (like I am right now - it's 3:20am) and suffer the consequences in the morning. Yeah, not the coolest way to live.
Especially as a mom! There are so many things to do (like my kid's lunch... dang, just realized I forgot that!!) and procrastinating just makes it worse. And these are things that I want to do. I mean, I don't love doing chores but I like seeing things completed and done well. And yet I put things off, filling my time with Facebook and Huff posts and whatever Buzzfeed is feeding me that day.
In November I hit a low. I realize now that it was a combination of less help (my mother-in-law was on vacation and she usually watches my older one for a night or two a week - so helpful!), the mundane routine due to less flexibility in the schedule, the increasingly shorter days and colder weather, and hormones getting into the mix. We confirmed in December that we're pregnant with our third - yay chaos!! - and I'm sure the cocktail of chemicals let loose did not help me.
I realized I needed help. Not hire-a-maid help, which would definitely be helpful, but something inside of me felt broken and needed fixing. I pondered throughout December and decided in January that I would go seek counselling. I've done so before when I hit a wall during my studies at Tyndale and it helped a lot to have a third party to talk to.
I am so glad I decided to go. I've had my first appointment already and tearily vented my frustration with being unproductive, overwhelmed, depressed, wanting relief, wondering why I couldn't just get things done, wondering why I was always escaping. What the counsellor suggested is that I might be a perfectionist.
What?? But aren't perfectionists people who get things done?? If you walk through the current state of my home, I am nowhere near that. However, it's my need for wanting things "just so" which keeps me from starting sometimes. I'd rather fail at starting than fail at the project or task itself. Reflecting on that statement, it's so true that I have to laugh at how silly it sounds, and yet it really is a problem, especially when, as a parent, there are so many things that need to get done, never mind started!!
I just wanted to share this because i'm sure there are many parents out there who are perfectionists. I hope to share more of my journey with you so you know that you're not alone and that you're not messed up. You just need to understand how your wired and work it out to your advantage. I tackled being wired as an introvert during my first maternity leave and that was so liberating. I can't wait to see what I learn about perfectionism and how I can get unstuck!
I've yet to have my second appointment but in the mean time, I've been recommended to read Never Good Enough by Monica Ramirez Basod. It's available on bookoutlets.ca for a very discounted price and if you pick up a few other books for your kids, the shipping is worth the cost.
So that explains a bit as to why my posts are few and far between. Not excusing, just explaining. I wait for the perfect time, the perfect mindset, the perfect topic, yadda yadda... right now, I just yelled "Carpe diem!" - well, really, "Carpe noctem!", considering the hour - and really, yelled in my head, since the kids are asleep - and just started typing this post. I'm proud of myself for getting this out. I'm not proud of myself for procrastinating on the night's chores and getting less sleep for the 3rd night in a row, but let's try to stay on the positive side of things, eh?
And how, to check off another item on my list and make my kid's lunch. =) Better late tonight than rushed tomorrow!